Rabbit holes.

Deeper and deeper and deeper.

perception

College isn't what I thought it would be.
It's been three weeks.

+ I'm sad.
+ I'm lonely.
+ I'm wondering if I made the right decision.
+ I'm wondering how my grades are.
+ I'm wondering if I'll ever be anything more than an acquaintance with people here.
+ I'm wondering if I'll ever get my act together.

I'm wondering if I'll ever go home. If home is where the heart is, where is my home? Better question, where is my heart? I feel like I am wasting away; rotting; deteriorating.

I miss my life. I miss feeling alive. I miss the person I used to be. I could sit here and read previous entries from a year ago. I don't know what happened to that girl, or where she went. I swallowed her, I swallowed her whole.




Look After You by The Fray

Sofargone.

"My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn't write, and in the songs I didn't sing. Even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. There is a double-edged comfort in knowing that no one really knows you."



"I'm so far gone my i.d. is a post card."

Closure

Someone told me I had a beautiful mind.
Well if that's so, then what's become of it?
What's become of me?

One year ago I was completely different.
6 months ago I was completely different.
Heck, 2 months ago I was completely different.
I've been trying to reinvent for years, and I finally have.

I wonder, I wonder what I'll be next year.

Crazy to think that next month I won't be here, I won't live here.
Orientation is this Friday.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

I have a bunny rabbit now. I named her Pancakes.

raepassid

I can't be trusted.
Don't place your heart in my hands, for it will crumble, I will crumble.
Because don't you remember, sweetheart?
I try and I try and I fail and I fail.
Someone might get hurt but it won't be me.

12.4 until 18.5
I've been drinking lemonade a lot lately.
I've been thinking a lot about going vegan.
I keep watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.
I bought an Audrey Hepburn poster and hung it on my wall.
It reminds me of my best friend Jessie.
It also reminds me of my friend whose bed I slept in last weekend.
I just pushed the perfect person away, because I needed space.
Space, I always need space. Maybe I should go to outerspace.
How long do you think it'd take me to get to the moon?
I would love to wander around a book store empty with a coffee cup in my hand, but please make sure the coffee cup is full.
I'm trying to read three books at once, no four.
I wish the sun would come out, and stay out. It keeps raining.
I miss my other best friend Tori.
I'm trying to remember how to be outgoing.
I joined the gym. Bye.

"The longer you think, the less you know what to do."
I've been thinking far too long.


You'll never see me again.

Pause

If I could just freeze time and feel this good all the time that would just be wonderful.
But if I freeze time, then I wouldn't know what happens next.
And I'm dying to know what'll happen next.

This summer is wonderful already, and it's hardly begun.

I mailed in my tuition deposit to Dcad the other day, confirming my acceptance. After wrestling with the idea for weeks, I finally did what's best for me, since I'm paying for school on my own, and confirmed that I will be commuting this fall, and not living on campus. Although I've wanted to get out of this state, or at least house for years and just be on my own, I know that this is the best decision for me right now. Dcad is a 2 year school, and when I transfer elsewhere, then I'll be ready. I know I need to stay here right now, and quite frankly, I actually don't mind. Maybe in 2 years I'll be ready to go and live on my own , and out of state, when I continue school elsewhere. But right now this is where I need to be, and you know what?
I'm perfectly okay with that.


Tori Tilley is my best friend.

"You two look so alike."
"We get that a lot."
"ASHLEY is the one with the flower in her hair. TORI is the one without."

Best I Ever Had by Drake

Sweet and low

"Hold me down, sweet and low little girl.

Hold me down, sweet and low and I will carry you home,

Hold me down, sweet and low little girl.

Hold me down, and I'll carry you home."

Another year older.

Alumni.

I wish I could write everything I needed to write on here.

I wish I could say everything I needed to say.

I'm trying so hard to be the girl I want to be, I need to be.

I just can't reach her.

May.

Not getting into Savannah was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I didn't realize it then but it's starting to be clearer now.

I applied to DCAD finally yesterday, I'm staying local for now.

Where ever I go, there I am.

I can't believe it's May already.

I graduate in less than a month.

I turn 18 in less than a month.

It's been a cold, bitter winter and a dreary spring.

But things have finally looked up.

C'moooonnnnnnnn Summer!

Things in my life are finally starting to look up.

I'm okay, I'm okay. (really this time)

Atlantic.

"And all the girls in every girly magazine can't make me feel any less alone,

I'm reaching for the phone, to call at 7:03,

And on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home.

But I know it's too late, I should have given you a reach to stay."

One year ago today, I was getting on a plane and flying across the Atlantic.

Everything should have ended differently.

If all goes well, five months from today I'll be getting on a plane and flying South; for good.

If I don't get into Savannah, I don't know what I'll do.

+ 66 days of school left.

+ 70 days until I'm legal.

+ 71 days until Graduation.

My dog's head is laying on my lap.

Right now, I don't feel so alone.

Someday you will be loved

"You'll be loved, you'll be loved, like you never have known

And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams

Just a series of blurs, like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved."

-Death Cab for Cutie

"We will be. By people that can handle us and see all of us and understand all of us even more so than we thought the others could. God made one man for me and one man for you and he designed them where they are unable to fall in love with anyone else but us. Which means that we'll never fall in love with anyone but them either. Which means we've never loved before. Even though we think we have. Something to look forward to in our near futures." -Cheryl

I'll never forget those words, ever, ever, ever.

Thank you.

Words of wisdom.

I can be my own, on my own.

Just last the year

I'm. Still. Alive.

still living, still breathing, still moving, still thinking, still feeling, still here.

Senior year is coming to a close, but not quick enough.

And so the countdown begins, what am I saying, it's long begun,

+ 70 days until we're out of school.

+ 74 days until I'm legal.

+ 75 days until Graduation.

Now if only I can finish the rest of my college applications.

Not to mention this Senior research paper is kicking my butt.

Devin came over and cut my hair today.

It's just a few inches past my shoulders.

I really started to hate how awful I looked, so this was a refreshing change.

It grows so quickly, it'll be the same length it was again in no time.

I painted today during my free period, instead of going home; watercolor.

It wasn't anything serious, I was only messing around.

I'm really not good at all at all at all.

But none the less, it felt good.

I miss painting, I'm going to buy supplies as soon as possible.

It's getting warmer, and it's making me anxious.

I need the sunshine; the sun rays, the fresh air, the flowers.

This summer will be different than any other.

I'm not exactly sure what I mean by that either.

I really want an art book, my art has never all been in one place.

I would really like that for my collages.

I also really think it would be a good way for me to pull together my thoughts and feelings by expressing them with my art.

I really need a job.

Someone, anyone, please hire me..

I'm doing things differently this time.

I fell down the stairs and broke my toe last Friday night at 1 am.
3 ER trips later, I'm wearing a boot.
Never a dull moment with Jocelyn.

In the past week I've had over 50 Advil's and 9 pain killers.
This is all just in time for
+ Soccer Pre Season
+ Jocelyn's mom's wedding on March 7th
+ Senior Ball and Banquet on March 14th

Well, this sucks.

I've been accepted to Liberty University in beautiful Lynchburg, Virginia.
It's official, no matter what happens, I'm going to college.

I have a lot to say, but nothing else matters except that I'm going to be strong today.

I'm going to be strong today.
I'm going to be strong today.
I'm going to be strong today.


Super bowl Sunday, while you were watching the game,
Tori and I are walking around the grocery store doing still lifes for Photo.
Artists.

rejuvenated

I got tired of waiting,
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading,
When I met you on the outskirts of town.
Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think.

I'm truly astounded at my lack of judgement.
It's ironic, really, how one year ago, the people who I tried my hardest to push away and had no interest in being friends with, have proved to be there and beyond in the end.
I feel as if God keeps opening doors after doors for me and I keep shutting them.
(It's a cycle).
I'm starting to understand it all a little better now.
This past weekend was every bit refreshing and more.
These people that have pushed their way into my lives, despite my efforts to keep them out, have been a complete blessing.
All I can say really, is that I'm just sorry for how I acted the past year, but more than thankful that they didn't give up on me.
I'm learning and growing so much from them.

Friday night I went to work.
In the beginning, I struggled with the espresso machine a bit, but started to get the hang of it.
After work I went and picked Edrea up and she came over to spend the night.
Stayed up talking about everything until 3 am or so.
Fell asleep feeling confident about life; rejuvenated.

Saturday morning we awoke and went to Border's where we window shopped around; coincidentally at everything but the books, odd.
Being the compulsive buyer I am,
I fell in love with multiple sets of stationary that I "had to have".
I was then escorted out of the store empty handed by Edrea.

Went back to my house where we started unpacking my boxes from the move.
Mind you, I moved back in October and still have yet to unpack everything.
5 o'clock rolled around and I took her home before going to work.
Somehow, something just clicked for me that night, and I think I finally get everything.
Work ended, and I brought over a bunch of iced teas in numerous flavors over to Edrea's.
She then came over to spend the night again, but ended up falling asleep early.
I stayed awake until 3 am again unpacking and sorting through everything.
Still not quite finished, but it's certainly making progress.

I received a letter from UD Admissions Office.
I have been wait listed, and you know, I'm okay with that.
I wasn't expecting to get in, and just that I'm being considered makes me happy.
Not to mention,
this was the perfect remedy for my lack of motivation, or in other words, Senioritis.

Tomorrow will be an interesting morning, with a nerve wrecking afternoon to follow.
At noon I will be going to DCAD, my top choice school.
There, I'll do a campus visit, and they will be reviewing my portfolio as well.
I'm nervous, because this is my top choice right now, right next to Savannah.
What if I get there and it isn't what I expected and I'm disappointed?
I'm not quite sure what to expect. I just hope it's right for me.

I saw a sign the other day when I was driving,
"Feed your faith and your doubts will starve."
Everything is just a red neon Exit sign right now.
The doors have been opened, but will I walk in?

Love Story by Taylor Swift

Body, don't fail me now.

I feel so unproductive.
If you'd allow me to, I'd sleep for days.
And the more and more I sleep, the more and more tired I become.

My mind is exhausted.
My body is worn out.
I'm exhausted. I'm worn out.

All I want is production, to know things are getting done.
I can't even seem to do that.

If I'm home, I'm asleep.
If I'm not home, I'm at work or school.
I never go anywhere these days or do anything.
Sleepsleepsleepsleepsleep.

I just want to feel accomplished,
even if that means just reading book after book; I'm alright with that.
I can't even seem to do that. I just simply don't have the energy.

I may have to get a 2nd job, but that would take away from my busy schedule.
If I get a second job, that eliminates sleep.

I've been dreaming a lot lately.
"I love sleep, my life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake."
My body is shutting doowwwwn.

Good thing I didn't have any resolutions,
because nothing is getting done.

I am in love with this life.

Well, I wish I had a parachute, 'cause I'm falling bad for you.
I can see the ground approaching now, but I'm not sure what to do.
I feel like the pinata, won't you take a swing at me.
If you could just crack the shell open,
I think inside you would find something sweet.
Well I hear you like a hunter now, your footsteps in the leaves.
And I would gladly leave my hiding place, yes I'm hoping to be seen.
So let your arrow fly and sing, I'm well within your aim.
Lay your traps for a thousand miles, and please don't let me escape.
Winter came to Omaha, it left us looking like a bride.
A million perfect snowflakes now, and no two are alike.
So it's hard for me imagining, the flaws in this design.
I know debris, it covers everything, and still I am in love with this life.

Rearranger

"I know it's impossible, but you should try to shake it off
And if you really wanna shake it off,
You gotta re-arrange, re-arrange us."

This is so strange.

10 months ago.

I don't even know who the heck that girl is.
Surely, it isn't me. She doesn't look like me.

Not even a year later,


Just wowowowowowow.

My portfolio is up, http://flickr.com/photos/sight-seeing
Although, the quality isn't that good since I scanned them.
I didn't apply to UD.
I am, however, applying to Savannah.

Midterms were this week, whatever.
Two a day since Tuesday.
I didn't have a 2nd one today, so I've been home since before 9 am.
Apparently there's no school Monday either.
Marvelous.

I'm weak, and I feel like my body is shutting down.
It's 13 degrees here today, with wind chill making it feel like 3 or so.
I'm wearing two hoodies, and three pairs of socks right now.
I. Can't. Take. This.

Curled up on the couch at 4 and fell asleep for an hour, relocated to my room and decided to get up at 8. I now feel like it's really early, when actually, it's getting late.

Dallas just told me it's -45 in Ontario, Canada.
Now I feel like a complainer, complainer.

!!! The Rearranger by Mates of State !!!
Wonderful, completely wonderful.

26 in 46. 26 in 46.

The end's not near, it's here.

Is there a hole in your heart? Or am I mistaken?

Well, yesterday was my last full day of school ever.

The rest of the year is as follows,

A days, home at 12.

B days, go into school at 8:45 am.

Yesyesyesyesyesyes.

Sunday was quite eventful,

Drove forty minutes up in Pa to go to Jocelyn's church.

Met all her church friends, and had fun.

"Are you Ashley? I've heard a lot about you!"

"Yes! Are you _____, I've heard about you too!" I love Jocelyn.

On the way home, my credit card was declined at gas station, and my $3 wasn't in my pocket.

I. was. stranded.

With no idea where in the world I was I was freaked out.

One hour later, Jocelyn figured out that I was right around the corner from her best friend Rachel's house, who I had met earlier that day.

"Hi I'm Ashley, nice to meet you!" a few hours later "Hey, can you come to the gas station I'm stranded at and lend me $5?"

Embarrassing, but thank you.

Jocelyn says God was trying to teach me how to accept help from others.

"I think he's trying to teach you a lesson to receive. Humble yourself and let people help you. People love you, ash, even before they meet you."

Funny, I was thinking he was morely trying to teach me to be more prepared and responsible.

Accepting help is really hard for me, however, I was put into a situation but I had no choice but to accept help, and from practically a stranger.

Arrived home safely, after being stranded for an hour.

Quickly got ready and my grandmother picked me up.

She sells jewelry for Lia Sophia, and there was a party where she was allowed to bring 1 guest, she choose me.

The party was nice at one of the woman's really nice houses, but I felt like I was with a bunch of Newpsie's, for you OC watchers out there.

Tried on several pieces of jewelry, and fell in love.

Fortunately, I can get them for free through my grandma.

For the love of jewelry, do I even need anymore?

Apparently, so.

Awoke this morning to find that I had slept in and missed my first midterm.

Well there's one way to get started on the right foot.

No point in going in forty minutes late and not having enough time to finish.

I buried myself into my covers, I'll make it up later.

I am proud to say my art portfolio is finally complete and will be sent off tomorrow to colleges for review.

This means that by the end of this week I will finally be finished applying to colleges.

Thank the lord.

Beautiful, Dirty, Rich by Lady GaGa

Three Cheers for Five Years by Mayday Parade

27 in 49, 27 in 49, 27 in 49.

Hello I'm in Delaware,

So there goes my life, passing by with every exit sign.

It's been so long, sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong.

No sleep tonight.

I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines.

And as the moon fades,

One more night gone, only twenty more days.

But I will see you again,

I will see you again a long time from now.

And there goes my life, passing by with every departing flight.

And its been so hard, so much time so far apart.

And she walks the night, how many hearts will die tonight?

And will things have changed?

I guess I'll find out in seventeen days.

But I will see you again,

I will see you again a long time from now.

My body aches, and it hurts to sing.

No one is moving, and I wish that I weren't here tonight,

But this is my life.

And I will see you again,

I will see you again a long time from now.

And I will see you again,

I will see you again a long time from now.

This song makes me want to stay.

But before I stay, I have to go.

Greetings, from 2009.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep."

New years was spent differently than usual.
However, it was much more enjoyable than I had planned.
Painted Jocelyn's room until 11:56.
Rushed to Ian's to watch the ball drop.
3, 2, 1, Happy New Year, Yeah, Whatever.

Brought Ian back to help paint, painted until 3 am. fell asleep at 6.
Breakfast at my house the next morning, returned to Jocelyn's to finish painting. Edrea joined as well. All in all, her room looks great.
It's a deep purple with different colored peace signs all over.
I'll post the polaroids as soon as I scan them.

School has begun again, which is always a pleasure,
and Mid Terms are next week, wonderful.

I am, however, proud to announce that I have finally stopped procrastinating, and resumed college application business. Hoping to be finished completely by January 15th at the latest.

Now that the holidays are over,
I'm finally getting the 4 days a week I've been wanting from Starbucks.
I finish training on Saturday.
I've learned a lot, but it's not as difficult as I perceived it to be.
I love the people there, I love the environment.
I love my job, it's perfect for me.
And I'm gettin' pretty good at the Espresso machine, if I do say so myself.

I am really happy to say that I have finally buried myself into books again.
It. Feels. Like. Home.
I've started reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.
I must say, it's written quite nicely.
Everyone has told me such good things about it, but seeing as I'm only on page thirty something, nothing too interesting has happened yet.
We shall see.

It's so strange to think that it's finally 2009.
I'm graduating this year.
I'm turning legal this year.
I'm going off to college this year.
I'm going to be on my own this year.
Sometimes, everything just seems so surreal.

It's midnight, I don't know why I'm still awake.
I'm eating ice.
Mind, please stop moving.

Well hello, 2009.
New year, New me? Unlikely.


West Coast by Jason Schwartzman

31 in 62, 31 in 62, 31 in 62.