resolution revolution,

Resolutions aren't my thing; that's not what these are.

2008,
+ Went to Europe.
+ Broke out of my anti-social shell, met new people.
+ Found out that the people who I didn't want to be friends with, proved to be there in the end, and the people I did, didn't.
+ Experienced loss from death for the first time, second time, third time, fourth time.
+ Learned that sometimes promises can't be kept, and you can't rely on them and dwell on the broken ones.
+ Moved into a house, finally.
+ Started driving on my own.
+ Began writing my heart out again.
+ Gained 10 lbs.
+ Lost 20 lbs.
+ Learned that running from my problems doesn't make them go away.
+ Finally realized I can't have both, realized what was more important.
+ Gave up old habits.
+ Realized the people that are unhealthy to have in my life.
+ Learned that it's impossible to be unhealthy, and have healthy relationships.
+ Realized how passionate I am about photography and designing things; made them my major.
+ Learned the hard way how crucial it is to manage your money.
+ Finally got my teenage dream job (not career); Starbucks Barista after many months.
+ Realized that life goes on, even if you don't keep up with it. Just because you stop, doesn't mean it does too.
+ Realized that no matter how big of a heart I have, and how badly I want to be loved in return, I can't let love define me and who I am.
+ Learned that, sometimes, the people you want to help you, aren't the ones who can.
+ Lost myself, found myself, only to loose myself again.
+ Learned that what may be in the best interest for others, may not be the same for you.
+ Realized that being selfish isn't always a bad thing, and it's something everyone has to do if they ever want to find their way.
+ Learned an important lesson; that if you love something, let it go and if it's meant to be, it'll come back.

2009,
+ Life for others, exist for myself.
+ Focus more creativity and energy into my schoolwork.
+ Work hard for what I want, really hard, because it really does pay off.
+ Find myself and hold onto who I am; stop letting myself go when I get scared.
+ Stop running away when the going gets tough and you don't want to deal.
+ Keep it together in the college life; let go but don't let loose.
+ Love as much as possible.
+ Learn as much as possible.
+ Be more compassionate towards others.
+ Write, write, write; because you love it.
+ Read whatever you can, as much as you can; because you love it.
+ If you're passionate about it, put your heart and soul into it; don't stop.
+ Finish photography portfolio.
+ Manage my money; save, save, save!
+ Be selfish; because remember, sometimes, it's okay.

I can't do better,

"There's times I think of leaving,
but it's something I'll never do
Because you can do better than me,
but I can't do better than you."

Christmas, another year gone and past.
Quite possibly the worst Christmas I've ever had.

Christmas eve at my grandparent's house,
Everyone had opened their presents already, I hadn't touched mine.
"What are you waiting for?" my dad asked me.
Not what-who, I wanted to say.
Elephant in the room, perhaps?
If there was, I put it there.
Everyone keeps saying get over it, but you see, it's not that easy..

All in all, I got some nice gifts, but nothing measures up, up, up.
I'd trade it all to have you there.
I asked for materialistic, because what I wanted was unrealistic.

2008, I gave up on you a long time ago.
2009, I've callen quits already.

I swear, as the years go on they all begin to blend together.
The clock keeps ticking, the calendar pages keep turning.
Tick, tick, tick. Where is my mind?

You Can Do Better Than Me by Death Cab for Cutie

I can't always be

"I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die."


"It's only after you've lost everything,
that you're free to do anything."

I should probably feel free, but I just feel trapped.
Bitter. Bitter. Bitter.

I'm immune, I'm numb.
It'll take a miracle to reach me.
I really hate the holidays.

Managed to select the most depressing Christmas card I could find.
A lonely, tall and slim Santa looking sadly at you.
I felt bad for it, I understood it. I know, it's just a card.
Surely you've realized I'm one of those people that feel bad for dented cans at the grocery store, and avoid eye contact with stuffed animals.
"You feel bad for the Santa when you fear you really are the Santa."
She's right, you're right. That's me.
To all of you who got that card, I am that card.
Displaced emotion, apparently.

I'm so in over my head with everything, about everything.
Nothing, nothing at all.

I had the best sleep I've had in months last night, along with the best dream.
But nothing was real, I wasn't real; everything is an illusion.
I awoke, stepped out of my bed, walked around my dark, quiet house.
Slowly, but surely, I realized it was only a dream.
My mind is a tease.

Calendar Girl by Stars

secret keepers

When I want to meet someone, I find a way one way or another.
I decided that the sold out Post Secret event wasn't going to stop me from getting in and meeting Frank.
Of course if you know me, you know it didn't.
Arrived promptly, waited in the ticket takers line until it was my turn, asked if she had an extra ticket to sell and she gave me one. I pulled money out of my bag and she passively shook her head and said it was given to her to give to someone who wanted to go.

I thanked her several times before walking inside the room that had hundreds of strangers with secrets in it.

I felt a little lonely, yet comforted at the same time.
I can't quite express the feeling, just that it was there.
Afterwards I met Frank, and later that night emailed him expressing to him how I had never experienced the feeling of being alone in a crowded room like this before.
He replied, "We were both there alone -together."
Thank you, Frank.

Everything just seems so surreal right now.
I'm just here, but no, not really.
There is a college letter sitting next to me right now.
It's been sitting here for over an hour, untouched, unopened.
I can't do it, I'm afraid.

What if I don't get in?

It wasn't my first choice school anyway, but this is the first of more to come.
I feel so unprepared for this.

When I open that it changes something one way or another.

It gives me hope, or it tears me down.

I wish I could just fast forward to the part where I move far far away.

I want a lover I don't have to love by Bettie Serveert

3:21 pm, I didn't get in.

"i haven't been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime."

Well, it's certainly been awhile.
In the past two months I have changed more than I could ever have imagined.
And even more recently, I've undergone changes that I wasn't expecting.
-But were most certainly well needed.

In the past two weeks,
I have experienced more hurt than I ever thought possible, and quickly made a holiday friend to accompany me with it: Bitterness. I applied to Savannah College of Art and Design; 11 hours away. Completely convinced myself that I was going to just pack up and move away from everything, and that all my problems would just magically disappear making everything suddenly okay. Started my job at Starbucks; I'm falling fast and hard for that place. Got a reality check, and a hard, hurtful one at that. Realized that right now, the best place for me is to stay here, and began focusing on my application for Delaware College of Art and Design instead. Started to face my fears, but quickly turned and ran the other direction. I can only handle things one at a time, despite the fact that they're coming my way all at once.
Talk about rolling with the punches -yeah, that's not happening here.


My break has consisted of sleepless nights and restless days; supported by thoughts that seems to continue on forever and bottomless cups of tea; thank you, Starbucks.

Thanksgiving was bitter sweet, or maybe just bitter.
Spent the day in Pennsylvania visiting my grandmother's side of the family.
Not many people were there as expected, or maybe it was just who I was expecting that wasn't there.
I found myself questioning why I even came in the first place; but of course, God had a surprise in store for me.
I must have sat and talked to her two sister's for two hours talking about everything.
They understood, related, and to my surprise; wouldn't you know, I'm not the only one upset over this. I'm just the only one dealing with it like this.
Arrived in tears, anxious and upset.
Left in tears, peaceful and thankful.Drove home with music blasting and the windows down, allowing the below 30 degree winds to fill my car; letting everything sink in; but not absorb.

The majority of my Black Friday was spent sulking in my bed sheets; as expected.
I suppose that's my own fault for allowing it to happen.
Finally got up, showered, and spent the remainder of the day playing reruns of November 2006 in my head.
I am pathetic.
Everyone just let me deal.

Life. is. just. weird.
I'm just going to keep going and going and going and going.


We Laugh Indoors by Death Cab for Cutie
Feeling a Moment by Feeder