Unproductive.

I'd really rather not make a habit of posting on here every time someone dies.
However, that seems to be the case.

My great grandfather on my dads side of the family died this morning.
I officially have no great grandparents alive anymore.
I realized that the funeral will probably be while I'm away, in Europe.

I guess I'm getting pretty good at dealing with this whole death thing.
My mother told me, I said okay, and shrugged it off.
We all have our ways of dealing with things.

Europe is in less than 2 days.
I'm excited I guess, not too thrilled about the plane ride.
One of the youth group leaders, Leslie, made me an "activity book" with letters and things I need to do each day. I've been really tempted to read it but I know I should wait. I'm practicing patience. Thankyou, Leslie.

Today I got a package from Jenna.
After about fourty minutes of contemplating on whether or not to open it I did, carefully. It was lovely. Jenna is such a sweetheart. It was a pretty box that she painted purple and filled inside with beads and hearts and tissue paper with a bracelet and I don't want to get too into detail in case Lorna reads this. It was beautiful though, and I'm so excited to give it to Lorna. I'm going to go out at some point today and take a few pictures with my polaroid camera and put them in there with maybe a few other things.

I feel very unmotivated today.
Nothing is going to get accomplished.


Dear Jake,
Please take more pictures with me.

1. New Soul by Yaem Naim
2. She Moves in Her Own Way by The Kooks
3. With Me -Sum 41
4. I Turn My Camera On -Rock Kills Kid

Plans.

I've been so busy lately.

I don't even have time to breathe.
I'm always thinking and always moving.
And if I'm not, I'm sleeping.

Soccer is wearing me out.
A few girls on the soccer team seem to think I'll make Varsity so it'll help build up my experience for next year. Ha, don't I wish. Although I wouldn't get much of any playing time in, it really would help prepare me for next year. I don't want to get my hopes up because even though people have said I've improved a lot from last year, I still think I suck. Especially compared to the Varsity girls. Only time will tell.

Europe is in 8 days.
Tomorrow I'm actually going shopping for some clothes for Europe with my grandmother and dad. A conversation with my grandmother today helped a little bit. I'm really nervous about the plane ride and just the fear of death itself is enough to drive me up a wall.

Another family member died this past week.
I wasn't close with her. And well, I actually don't remember her.
Apparently that's because she wasn't very friendly or nice.
I do remember her sister though who was very sweet. I hope she's okay.

Jake's final play performance was tonight, and was great of course.
I'm really glad I was able to make it to all 4 nights. I really enjoyed watching him on stage.
I really miss him. Due to the craziness of grades and schedules we haven't spent time together in over 2 weeks. Fortunately, his play has been a major loop hole.

Tomorrow morning I have to be at church by 7:15.
I'm in a church skit that premiers tomorrow.
To be completely honest, I'm nervous. Not the nervous excited. I guess I feel like I'm not really ready to be involved in this kind of skit. It's a little too strong and powerful for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm really thankful to be apart of it. I just feel as if I'm all wrong for it, and I should be watching it, and learning from it. Whereas, I'm taking part in presenting it. There are no lines, and it's a song by Life House with a dance that speaks for itself.
You can watch it here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=IUiEeM5TAUY&feature=related
My character is the alcoholic.

My plans for the next few months are starting to fall in place.
Of course nothings set in stone, they're just possibilities.
Bruce, my step dad, works at DelTech.
This means I could go there for college if I wanted to, which I don't.
However, today my mom was telling me about a program they're offering for Juniors and Seniors in high school.
You go for the summer and take a few college classes and get college credits for them.
After taking this all into consideration I realized it's actually a good idea.
It would keep me busy this summer and it would really help for the fall when I'm finally a Senior and I'm applying to colleges. Colleges will see that I've already received some college credits. It could really help me out in the long run. And I'm pretty sure I'd get to go to the course for free because Bruce works there.

I've put some thought into where I'd like to start working as soon as I get back from Europe and through the summer. Rita's Water ice came to mind and along with another water ice stand called Premium's. Premium's is a home made water ice stand that is actually a shed. It's been in the same spot for years. I would prefer to work there actually because I've been and have seen how the people who work there spend their day. You work alone, and it's a small shed. You can listen to your ipod or the radio, text, you catch up on lots of reading and write letters, and you serve water ice to customers. Simple, and it's not with people. The shopping center it's in has the actual store called Premium's but there is a banner out front that reads Temporarily Closed. It does have a phone number though with it and I plan on calling tomorrow and finding out details on when they're opening and the possibility of applying for their shed water ice stand.

If all goes well then this Summer I'll be attending a few college classes a week, working at the Premium's stand, getting to write lots of letters, do homework and study, and spend time alone. Oh and lots and lots of traveling, beach trips with Jake Will, and swimming while he guards my life at his job. :)

Plleeeeaaasseee work out. Plllleeeaaaassse.

I realize this was ridiculously long. I don't expect anyone to read all or any of it for that matter. I just needed somewhere to put my thoughts that have been collecting for the past few days.

I love him so so much.
(c)Jocelyn Photography

Mouthwash by Kate Nash

Our Hell by Emily Haines

Beauutiiffulll songs I've been listening to non stop all day.

"Oliver"

This past weekend has been really nice.
Soccer is exhausting and I was completely burned out by Friday.
Fortunately, a good rain shower canceled practice, and our 7 am play day the next morning.

This allowed me to attend Jake's play the premier night as well.
Oliver, as in Oliver Twist, he was "Bill Sykes".
I went and saw it both nights and it was great.
Jake was incredible and it surprised me how well he managed to portray "the bad guy".
Seeing how he's anything but.
Despite what everyone said I especially enjoyed it Saturday night.
Seeing things for the 2nd time always make more sense to me.
I'm really excited to see it again both nights next weekend.

Friday night during intermission of the play I checked my phone.
I saw my dad had called me and I returned it to hear him say, "I'm at the hospital, I'll call you back." Which of course sent me into a completely uncomfortable and anxious mood for the next fifteen minutes. Of course the one time I don't have my phone on me I receive a call like this. My grandmother, who is a diabetic, is back in the hospital because her heart isn't beating fast enough and will be having a surgery tomorrow.

Early Saturday afternoon my dad called me and asked if I wanted to go out to lunch with him. I never get to see him so I agreed. He took me to radio shack where I was able to get an adapter for when I go to Europe, in only 14 days! Then we went to lunch and I debated on going to the hospital to visit her since she's in ICU. I decided I wanted to go and when we got there my grandfather was leaving and suggested we do the same, so we did.

This morning I was awoken to my usual Sunday morning wake up call only in a shock. Jake told me he was on his way there and I sat up in a panic because I wasn't even up and ready yet. He told me he was kidding and he'd see me at 8:30. I got up and was distracted by a 101 Dalmatians and sat and watched that for a good 10 minutes. I then called Jake to tell him something funny and he told me he was just about to call me because he was on his way, it was really already past 8:30. Who would have thought Daylight Savings came so early this year? So he picked me up and we went to church and then afterwards he had to go to his meeting. I decided to go out to lunch with a few people from youth group. Afterwards I came home and my mother, brother, sister and I drove to my other grandma's and the five of us went to Costco. I'm currently waiting for Jake to come and pick me up for Youth Group tonight. Oh geez, I never ramble in these things. I feel like it's so unorganized.



Ps, Today's our 19 months :)

Spring.

Today was a beautiful day, in the 60s.
Finally all this cold weather seems to have stopped.

English class we had to draw pictures that represented 5 of the few stories we had to read.
I actually liked mine, it was like a collage.

In Spanish class we were having a quiz that I hadn't been able to study for due to my mother taking my Spanish book to work. I looked over my notes before taking it and I actually did really well, imagine that!

Journalism class was enjoyed with a conversation with someone about good books to read, I'm currently reading Pieces which is edited by Stephen Chobsky, followed by a nice nap.
I spent the last block, I'm a teachers aide, in his closet office writing, listening to music, and texting, and reading. It was actually really nice.

Day two of soccer. Practice was outside today which is exciting due to the wonderful weather. It was perfect tshirt and shorts weather. Sunny, with an occasional breeze; about time.All the running still makes me tired because I'm so out of shape, but I'm not the only one. I'm really glad I keep pushing myself. Looking back on it each time I think to myself, I guess that wasn't so bad. I mean, I'm okay and alright now. Sure in the moment it can be exhausting and I feel like my knees are going to collapse from under me, but it's worth it.

It's hard to think that in 20 days I'll be on a plane to another country.
I have so much more to say.