resolution revolution,

Resolutions aren't my thing; that's not what these are.

2008,
+ Went to Europe.
+ Broke out of my anti-social shell, met new people.
+ Found out that the people who I didn't want to be friends with, proved to be there in the end, and the people I did, didn't.
+ Experienced loss from death for the first time, second time, third time, fourth time.
+ Learned that sometimes promises can't be kept, and you can't rely on them and dwell on the broken ones.
+ Moved into a house, finally.
+ Started driving on my own.
+ Began writing my heart out again.
+ Gained 10 lbs.
+ Lost 20 lbs.
+ Learned that running from my problems doesn't make them go away.
+ Finally realized I can't have both, realized what was more important.
+ Gave up old habits.
+ Realized the people that are unhealthy to have in my life.
+ Learned that it's impossible to be unhealthy, and have healthy relationships.
+ Realized how passionate I am about photography and designing things; made them my major.
+ Learned the hard way how crucial it is to manage your money.
+ Finally got my teenage dream job (not career); Starbucks Barista after many months.
+ Realized that life goes on, even if you don't keep up with it. Just because you stop, doesn't mean it does too.
+ Realized that no matter how big of a heart I have, and how badly I want to be loved in return, I can't let love define me and who I am.
+ Learned that, sometimes, the people you want to help you, aren't the ones who can.
+ Lost myself, found myself, only to loose myself again.
+ Learned that what may be in the best interest for others, may not be the same for you.
+ Realized that being selfish isn't always a bad thing, and it's something everyone has to do if they ever want to find their way.
+ Learned an important lesson; that if you love something, let it go and if it's meant to be, it'll come back.

2009,
+ Life for others, exist for myself.
+ Focus more creativity and energy into my schoolwork.
+ Work hard for what I want, really hard, because it really does pay off.
+ Find myself and hold onto who I am; stop letting myself go when I get scared.
+ Stop running away when the going gets tough and you don't want to deal.
+ Keep it together in the college life; let go but don't let loose.
+ Love as much as possible.
+ Learn as much as possible.
+ Be more compassionate towards others.
+ Write, write, write; because you love it.
+ Read whatever you can, as much as you can; because you love it.
+ If you're passionate about it, put your heart and soul into it; don't stop.
+ Finish photography portfolio.
+ Manage my money; save, save, save!
+ Be selfish; because remember, sometimes, it's okay.

I can't do better,

"There's times I think of leaving,
but it's something I'll never do
Because you can do better than me,
but I can't do better than you."

Christmas, another year gone and past.
Quite possibly the worst Christmas I've ever had.

Christmas eve at my grandparent's house,
Everyone had opened their presents already, I hadn't touched mine.
"What are you waiting for?" my dad asked me.
Not what-who, I wanted to say.
Elephant in the room, perhaps?
If there was, I put it there.
Everyone keeps saying get over it, but you see, it's not that easy..

All in all, I got some nice gifts, but nothing measures up, up, up.
I'd trade it all to have you there.
I asked for materialistic, because what I wanted was unrealistic.

2008, I gave up on you a long time ago.
2009, I've callen quits already.

I swear, as the years go on they all begin to blend together.
The clock keeps ticking, the calendar pages keep turning.
Tick, tick, tick. Where is my mind?

You Can Do Better Than Me by Death Cab for Cutie

I can't always be

"I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die."


"It's only after you've lost everything,
that you're free to do anything."

I should probably feel free, but I just feel trapped.
Bitter. Bitter. Bitter.

I'm immune, I'm numb.
It'll take a miracle to reach me.
I really hate the holidays.

Managed to select the most depressing Christmas card I could find.
A lonely, tall and slim Santa looking sadly at you.
I felt bad for it, I understood it. I know, it's just a card.
Surely you've realized I'm one of those people that feel bad for dented cans at the grocery store, and avoid eye contact with stuffed animals.
"You feel bad for the Santa when you fear you really are the Santa."
She's right, you're right. That's me.
To all of you who got that card, I am that card.
Displaced emotion, apparently.

I'm so in over my head with everything, about everything.
Nothing, nothing at all.

I had the best sleep I've had in months last night, along with the best dream.
But nothing was real, I wasn't real; everything is an illusion.
I awoke, stepped out of my bed, walked around my dark, quiet house.
Slowly, but surely, I realized it was only a dream.
My mind is a tease.

Calendar Girl by Stars

secret keepers

When I want to meet someone, I find a way one way or another.
I decided that the sold out Post Secret event wasn't going to stop me from getting in and meeting Frank.
Of course if you know me, you know it didn't.
Arrived promptly, waited in the ticket takers line until it was my turn, asked if she had an extra ticket to sell and she gave me one. I pulled money out of my bag and she passively shook her head and said it was given to her to give to someone who wanted to go.

I thanked her several times before walking inside the room that had hundreds of strangers with secrets in it.

I felt a little lonely, yet comforted at the same time.
I can't quite express the feeling, just that it was there.
Afterwards I met Frank, and later that night emailed him expressing to him how I had never experienced the feeling of being alone in a crowded room like this before.
He replied, "We were both there alone -together."
Thank you, Frank.

Everything just seems so surreal right now.
I'm just here, but no, not really.
There is a college letter sitting next to me right now.
It's been sitting here for over an hour, untouched, unopened.
I can't do it, I'm afraid.

What if I don't get in?

It wasn't my first choice school anyway, but this is the first of more to come.
I feel so unprepared for this.

When I open that it changes something one way or another.

It gives me hope, or it tears me down.

I wish I could just fast forward to the part where I move far far away.

I want a lover I don't have to love by Bettie Serveert

3:21 pm, I didn't get in.

"i haven't been gone very long, but it feels like a lifetime."

Well, it's certainly been awhile.
In the past two months I have changed more than I could ever have imagined.
And even more recently, I've undergone changes that I wasn't expecting.
-But were most certainly well needed.

In the past two weeks,
I have experienced more hurt than I ever thought possible, and quickly made a holiday friend to accompany me with it: Bitterness. I applied to Savannah College of Art and Design; 11 hours away. Completely convinced myself that I was going to just pack up and move away from everything, and that all my problems would just magically disappear making everything suddenly okay. Started my job at Starbucks; I'm falling fast and hard for that place. Got a reality check, and a hard, hurtful one at that. Realized that right now, the best place for me is to stay here, and began focusing on my application for Delaware College of Art and Design instead. Started to face my fears, but quickly turned and ran the other direction. I can only handle things one at a time, despite the fact that they're coming my way all at once.
Talk about rolling with the punches -yeah, that's not happening here.


My break has consisted of sleepless nights and restless days; supported by thoughts that seems to continue on forever and bottomless cups of tea; thank you, Starbucks.

Thanksgiving was bitter sweet, or maybe just bitter.
Spent the day in Pennsylvania visiting my grandmother's side of the family.
Not many people were there as expected, or maybe it was just who I was expecting that wasn't there.
I found myself questioning why I even came in the first place; but of course, God had a surprise in store for me.
I must have sat and talked to her two sister's for two hours talking about everything.
They understood, related, and to my surprise; wouldn't you know, I'm not the only one upset over this. I'm just the only one dealing with it like this.
Arrived in tears, anxious and upset.
Left in tears, peaceful and thankful.Drove home with music blasting and the windows down, allowing the below 30 degree winds to fill my car; letting everything sink in; but not absorb.

The majority of my Black Friday was spent sulking in my bed sheets; as expected.
I suppose that's my own fault for allowing it to happen.
Finally got up, showered, and spent the remainder of the day playing reruns of November 2006 in my head.
I am pathetic.
Everyone just let me deal.

Life. is. just. weird.
I'm just going to keep going and going and going and going.


We Laugh Indoors by Death Cab for Cutie
Feeling a Moment by Feeder

teateatea

Moving day has come and gone, along with October altogether.

November is here, along with the cold, chill weather.

Christmas is around the corner they're saying, as decorations are going up and Christmas music is faintly playing in the background. I'm not ready for Christmas, nor December. I would appreciate it if time would slow down a little bit so I can enjoy fall for a little bit first.

I'm in a whole new area of Newark now, which is good I suppose.

Change is good, right? Eh, we're working on that one.

Tori came over one night and we painted my entire room yellow.

The next day Jocelyn came too and the three of us finished up and added lime green trim.

A benefit of a new big house is s p a c e, finally.

Not to mention, I am now the proud owner of my own room. It's about time.

Now if only my room could unpack itself. The only thing unpacked are my clothes.

I haven't really been in the mood.

I'll share before and after pictures soon.

Recently, I had an allergist appointment where, to my complete dismay, I was given 45 shots on both my arms. Naturally, I cried, but I took it like a trooper, or at least tried to.

Report card came in, A's B's and D for Darn it I hate Physics.

I really am trying.

One day last week I found myself having a bad day, and picked up the phone. Ashley, the leader of Young Life that I've been attending, met me at Brew Haha where we talked for over 2 hours about everything and anything. I haven't had one of those coffee shop conversations in almost a year, it felt good to have someone care.

Friday night. Van packed full for Christine's birthday. 2 hour drive up to Reading, Pa. on back roads, blaring Shwayze and T.I., having sing a longs in the back seat, throwing tea bags out the window at boys who think they're tough, plays on film, Ryan Atwood, Johnny got his gun, Reeces pieces and vitamin water.

"Oh, Jessica and Ashley are outside talking to some random stranger."

"Sweet little Nectarine- Mike Patterson."

Sunday Joc came down and we spent the afternoon at Panera Bread eating yummy soup and taking all the pictures our big hearts desired.

"Say your name's Roberto. Say your name's Roberto. Say your name's Roberto."

"ASHLEY SHUSSSSH. I'm sorry, what?"

"Uh, your name?"

"Oh uh.. Roberto."

"YEEESSSSS."

Eventually had to depart separate ways, until our next adventure.

I love her.

Signed up for indoor soccer; one game a week and no practice.

I am so excited.

My car Iris has been experiencing some health issues and is at the doctors.

Hopefully I'll have her up and running again soon.

Skipped last block today and went back to Connor's house with Dev.

Later on tonight I'll be window shopping with Ashley at the mall and bookstore.

Speaking of window shopping.. I am officially a Barista at Starbucks Coffee, hooray!

Unfortunately, I don't begin training until December.

Oh, and I cannot even tell you how many cups of tea I have had in the past week.

Love Story by Taylor Swift

November by Azure Ray!

homecoming week,

This past week was full of things to do, keeping me busy and running around at all times.

Monday I went to the mall with Christine and Sam and got something to eat. Later that evening, I called Edrea and we went to Young Life together.

Tuesday after school I went to the craft store with Devin where we got supplies before going to back to her house to tie dye our Sportsmanship Committee shirts.

Wednesday night was the girls Powderpuff Football game. Froze my butt off sitting on those bleachers wrapped in blankets and hoodies with friends.

Thursday after school was the hallway decorating. Stayed after to decorate the Senior hallway, and made a new friend, who was grateful for my ideas. Left around 4, saw the hallway the following day, which looked amazing. No surprise that we won the hallway contest. Went and met with Holly and Devin, where we went to the gym together. Ran half a mile before finally stopping, hey it's progress. Tried out a few different weights, which I cannot do. Decided to get on the bikes and ended up peddling 3 miles, woooooo, before leaving. Came home, took a shower, and went to the Boys' Soccer game that night, froze my butt off agaaaaiiin. 

Friday was the Pep fest, which was fun; too bad our school doesn't have very much school spirit, but whatever. After school, I went to the cemetery, where I walked around for quite some time until a groundskeeper asked me if I was lost, I was. He directed me to where, or should I say who?, I was looking for.  No plot yet, grass not grown in yet; sod. After searching for all that time, and finally finding it, I realized I didn't want to and left quickly; disturbed. What's that saying? Nothing is set in stone? I guess what I wanted confirmed wasn't. Friday night, Ryan called and I went and drove him up to Maryland, following, I came back to Newark and went to the homecoming game, coldcoldcoldcold. Left at the beginning of the 3rd quarter when we were 26-0, or something like that, to go to Cereal Bowl followed by California Tortilla with friends.

"Oh my god. They think we're at a party. ACT LIKE YOUR DRUNK."

"Okay."

"HEEEEEEYYYYYYY GUYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS."

"WOW. Your eyes are SO dilated."

Maybe because it's DARK outside?

Ahahahahhahahhahah.

Saturday was spent packing up my room and watching the Halloween I-V marathon that was on tv. Got ready for the dance, went outside to get in my car, DOWN POURING of course hah. Drove to Ryan's in the pouring rain, where I could barely see the road, mind you, I also had no license with me this weekend. Picked him up and went to Starbucks, fortunately, it had stopped raining by then. Went to homecoming, danced all night, with people I did know, and people I didn't. Made an appearance at Connor's until I started falling asleep sitting downstairs, decided it was time to come home. Left and made a wrong turn, where's your gps when you need it? NOT WITH YOU. Decided it was a good idea to turn around when I saw Welcome to Maryland signs, called a friend to give me directions back home. Turns out, I was just shy from downtown Newark and Main St. a few streets over. Came home, passed out; one hundred percent sober. Thank the Lord.

 

Things are getting easier, and sometimes I feel guilty about it. I'm a little confused with what I'm supposed to feel, and how I'm supposed to feel it. I guess everyone has different ways of dealing with things.

I've decided I love fall. 

I had no idea what I've been missing all these years I've hated it.

I'm moving this coming weekend. And you know what? I'm finally excited.

This is the change I need.

New places, new people, new things.

Grow Up and Blow Away by Metric

Repeat over and over and over and over with the windows down.

It just never gets old.

lonelily.

"I gave me away

I could have knocked off the evening

But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold

In a way I lost all I believed in

And I never found myself so low

And you let me down

You could've called if you'd needed."

Sympathy cards will pull your head out of the clouds at any given moment. It's scary, because most days I just want to keep busy and keep moving, keep pretending. As my hand reaches for the envelope with my name on it, it shakes. Then reality comes crashing down and everything just starts to set in.

I dialed your number tonight, but this time was different. Instead of a familiar friendly voice I once knew, I hear the operator telling me the number is no longer in service. How am I supposed to reach you now? I've left you plenty of messages, will you please return them? You promised, remember? I do.

Fireworks went off the other night, which left me confused and talking to myself, or maybe I was just hoping that you were listening, that anyone was listening.

Some things just aren't real.

I'm living in a trance.

lonelily by Damien Rice

carefree weekend

Friday night Jocelyn and I found ourselves in the same situation, a friday night with nothing to do. Decided she should come home and we'd make it a party. She did, and well, we did. Joc came home from Eastern and we went to the Cereal Bowl that just opened up. Ordered the worlds yummiest parfait I've ever had; vanilla yogurt, honey granola, and fresh strawberries. Yum! Sat at a table close to the window to begin catching up, interrupted by someone banging on the glass mouthing the words "I-LOVE-YOU". Played along, waved and mouthed them back heartfelt. "Do you know them" AHAHA "Nope!" "Oh well.. they're coming in.."

Twenty minutes later, we're still tied up listening to them talk and shake our hands every few moments, reminding us of how beautiful we are. Lied and said we were both 19 and went to Eastern. They're being obnoxious, meanwhile Joc and I are sitting there trying to appear flattered, while making it apparent to everyone else but them that we weren't really interested. Took the one guys number so he'd leave me alone. Assured him I'd call, took off across the street with Joc as I deleted the number from my phone. They continued making a scene amongst themselves, looking like drunken fools.

Went to Edrea's to pick her up. Only expecting to see me, Jocelyn steps out of the car as well; surprise! From there we made our way up to 202 to pick up Jocelyn's sister from a football game. Got lost on the way and spent a majority of the trip racing up and down tiny back roads with the windows down, mind you it's about 45-50 degrees outside, while blaring avenged sevenfold. Finally got there, all of us crammed in the car and we dropped Jocelyn's sister Alice off at a friends house. We then dropped Alice's other friend off at his house. Dark house, no cars in the drive way, no house key. Run around to the back, mind you again: we just met this kid who is a friend of Alice's. Searching for open windows, Edrea spots one. "I can't fit through that.." "I CAN!" Edrea climbs through his window, run around to unlock the front door. Saves the day, er night.

An hour later we're at Jocelyn's house playing music through her window and dancing on the roof. Finally settled down, food fest followed by Disturbia, to which we fell asleep to. Woke up the following morning, went to Charter's homecoming football game. By the way, I don't even go to Charter, hah. It was a tailgate game so we got free breakfast while we watched for the short period of time we were there. Basically made an appearance and then left. Went to the train station and bridge where we took pictures. Came home, went to work.

Sunday after church we went to Main street to get some pizza. Afterwards, Edrea and I went to the park and I reshot a whole role of film that never took because I had put my film in the wrong way before. Drove to the train station again where we wandered off in the woods looking for a well, never found it, got lost. Had ourselves an adventure, made the best of it, took pictures, found our way back. All in all good weekend.

My plan for right now is as follows, if you don't think about it, you don't feel it.

Ignore everything bad. Ignore. Ignore. IGNORE. Carefreeeeeeee.

I'm surrounding myself with distractions. 

As long as I stay busy, always moving, I don't have to think.

As for me? I'm ok. I guess.

Colorado Sunrise by 3OH3!

If I don't wake up,

Things will never be the same again.

I'll never be the same again.

fasssster

Life is coming at me quickly.

I've had a rough week, but I'm learning from this all, I'm growing from this all.

Last Sunday I came to terms with myself. I decided this is it, I'm taking everything that life throws at me, that comes at me, and I'm taking it head on. I have friends who love me, and most importantly, I have God. I will learn from everything that happens. I will grow from everything that happens. I'm taking everything that happens, good or bad, and I'm using it to my advantage. I'm strong, and I will come out on top.

Wednesday Sarah, my mom and I all went to the trs show together.

Trs, Phantom Planet, The Secret Handshake, and The Morning Light all played.

Sarah met the guy from the secret handshake and had him sign her planner, haha.

Saw Tara, gave her the bracelets I made for her and B. I was invited to stop by the tour bus later on that evening, freaking first time ever being invited to that. So you know I'm stoked right? I knew because B was the headlining band he wouldn't be out right after he got off stage so this was a relief. After the show, I waited around for Alex from Phantom Planet to show up. Ended up walking outside to leave and there he was. Sarah and I walk up and he's telling a group of us standing there where to meet him at this bar a few blocks away to go karaoke-ing. So an open invitation to go and do karaoke with the lead singer of Phantom Planet? AND I'm invited to go and wait for B outside his tour bus. Unfortunately, with it being almost 1 am, my mother was ready to go home and none of the above happened. I'm still super stoked that both of those rare opportunities were even offered to me. Even if I couldn't take advantage of them, bummer. So no picture with B this time, but I did get a picture with Alex. I'll have to get that from Sarah later.

Slept over Christine's last night with everyone.

Sam and I woke up 10 minutes before we had to be at school.

Sped up and down Newark frantically trying to find another route to our 1 way street school.

Whoever decided to close down Main street for the marathon today, ON THE DAY OF NEWARK HIGH'S SAT's, way to go; I applaud you.

I took my SATs this morning.

It actually went by very quickly for a 4 hour test.

Perhaps I was so determined and focused on doing well that I took every second they gave me and used it to my advantage.

I do think I did well, for the most part.

However, math makes me feel a bit iffy of my score, which is nerve wracking.

I will receive my scores in 2 weeks, where next month I will be retaking them.

I'm hoping for the best.

Tonight will be a mellow night.

Tomorrow I will start my other roll of film for my 2nd Photography project.

The topic this time is: "Point of view" I'm excited.

Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus

Ready, Set, Procrastinate.

A big part of me wants to make this as brief as possible.

This past weekend has been so strange.

Yesterday my allergies got so bad I had to go to the nurses office in the middle of Math to get Benedryl. "Are you sure your gonna be okay?" "Oh, I'll be fine," I say with a dismissing hand. Back to class and 40 minutes later I realize that I've been reading the same question over and over again for the past 10 minutes. I was confused as to why I was tired all of a sudden because I was well rested not long ago. I look up at the clock to find not 5, but 40 minutes had gone by. I couldn't focus anymore and ended up explaining to my teacher that my brain had checked out. He laughed understanding what happened, and I spent the remainder of the class period with my head in the clouds staring off into space. I can't even remember much of lunch or English because I was in such a fog.

Came home, despite my exhaustion, finished taking pictures for my photo class that were due today. Took a nap and received a phone call after 5 pm with a message from my manager at work wondering where I am because apparently I should have been there at 4? I call them back after listening to the message and he's telling me I should have been there at 3:30. Make up your mind now.  My schedule is always being messed with and changed, I swear it. I was so certain that I was working Tuesday and Thursday but he insisted I was working Monday. Even if I was wrong, why did he wait over an hour and a half before calling me? He is the one manager who I often bump heads with. At that point, because I was over an hour and a half late for a shift that I promise I was not supposed to be working, and it was not the second time this would have happened to me. I wasn't coming in. Forget it. He told me to call them back on Wednesday to see if I still have a job. I had planned on calling and telling them no thank you.

Recent events that happened today, although I am certain they're going to tell me I've been terminated tomorrow, have led me to the conclusion that I should try and keep it if I can until I start at Starbucks. Went to Jake's house after school for a few minutes and my dad called me to inform me that I owe him $120. "Excuse me? I what?" He told me he had a picture in his hand of my car not even over the line yet and the light a solid red. Way to go, Ashley. He told me it'll go up $10 if I don't have it paid off by October 20th. And he'll keep it between us unless he has to pay for it, then he'd tell my mom. Decided to tell my mother about it anyway because she knew the predicament I'm in with money.

Came home and my sister and I took the risky drive to the gas station. Apparently too risky because my car ran out of gas at the end of the road right before the highway, with the gas station waving at us from across the street. Called my mom to come get us, while Anna and I waited in the turning lane with the flashers on. She found a man at the gas station who was willing to help. He crossed the busy highway towards us and offered help. Between my sister and him they pushed my car across the intersection while I steered with my mom waiting on the other side. LAND-HO! Embarrassing? Uh, just a little bit.

I've been procrastinating for the past week now with these college essays and unfortunately my time has ran out for one. I need to turn it in tomorrow. I can't keep running from this. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I'm really scared. I know what I'm going to write about, that parts over, I just need to get started. I can't keep running and hiding from things that are unfamiliar and make me nervous.

Ps, I'm getting about 10 inches cut off on Saturday.

The Saltwater Room by Owl City

Pursuing UNemployment?

My job is incredibly over working me.

I've tried writing in the request off books that I can no longer work more than 3 days a week but I'm still continuously being scheduled, as a minor, working 5 to 6 days a week.

School is great, but I'm so worn down from work that I can hardly handle it anymore.

I'm starting to develop dark circles under my eyes from my busy schedule and lack of sleep I've been getting.

I went to the Starbucks pre-interview at the job fair last week, they liked me and at the end of the interview gave me their card and actually asked for me to call them instead of them calling me. They also gave me multiple ways to reach them so I can tell they were really sincere about it. Told them a bit about myself and job situation right now and they were very sympathetic towards it. They informed me of benefits that I wasn't aware part-timers got as well? Great! In 2 weeks I'm calling them and I'll be scheduled a real interview.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

Do I quit my job and go over a month with no income until I start at Starbucks? No.

Do I stay there and keep over-exerting myself? No.

I talked to my Mom and Bruce about it and we're going to figure out something soon.

I'm telling my work tonight that if they continue to schedule me more than 3 days a week I'll quit. I'm tired of them overworking me. I wanted hours in the summer and got 1, 2 days a week. Now it's senior year and I have a lot to focus on and they're working me like crazy.

Pursuing unemployment? Pursuing a break.

I work again in about forty-five minutes.

I'm hoping to spend some time with my boy and get some rest in this weekend.

Last weekend, with Sarah, at Jake's house.

New York I Love You by LCD Soundsystem

Cath

Tonight was crazy, in a good kind of way.

Slept in until 1pm, got up and ready for work.

It's been storming for the past 24 hours, and due to the storm there was a shortage in customers tonight at work. Got cut early, went to Sarah's house so we could figure out what we wanted to do. While looking in the mirror, I was having a bad hair day (thankyourain), I decided I wanted a haircut. Nothing drastic, just something to make me feel a little better.

Drove down to Town and Country, only to find them closed at 7pm, on a Saturday?

Decided to go to JC Penney, where I'd get my bangs cut at a salon there, took a short cut on the way but wasn't quite sure where it was going to. Briefly lost, we found our way, hahaha the short cut worked.

Walked in to the salon, a spanish new york woman cut my bangs. 5 minutes and 5 bucks later, awesome, right??!!?, we were on our way out of JC Penney and into the main mall entrance. Only to be stopped by police who were carding people. Thank you parental guidance required rule that they just recently instated. 2 cops carded Sarah and I, "Do you have I.d.?", knew that due to being a minor we'd be turned away, decided to go for it anyway. Nonchalantly handed the cop my i.d. he looked at it and then gave me a purple band that represented that I was "over 18".  The other cop couldn't read Sarah's age and asked her to remove it out of the case, she had some trouble and just said "I was born in 91." Shooooooot. They turned her away but told me I was good to go. Unfortunately, you must be 21 or over to escort a minor around with you. Turned away disappointed, only to find the woman who had cut my hair not long ago walking into the mall. "What's wrong girls?" We explained. She told the security guards that we were with her, and next thing we knew, we were walking around the mall with her.

Came up with the brilliant idea that if Sarah and I traded jackets we'd be okay. I had a band saying I was "18", which ps. for those of you who don't know: I'm not., she didn't. She was wearing a quarter sleeve sweater over her shirt, I was wearing a long sleeve hoodie. We traded so my wrist, with the bracelet on it, was visible, and her wrist, with no bracelet on it, wasn't. Pretty brilliant, I know.

Shopped around for a little bit and we each got a cute peace sign charm necklace from american eagle. We decided they're our little friendship necklaces. You can faintly see them in the pictures below.

Tried on a pair of jeans at american eagle to get free movie tickets. "Denim and a movie", it's called. Went to the movies 10, only to find out that, go figure, the tickets are good for a movie theatre that's up in Pennsylvania somewhere. No thanks. Called Jake and crashed at his house for a bit with him and his cousin, Josh. Sarah and I were hungry so we went out for a not-so-yummy late dinner at Charcoal Pit. Afterwards, we went back to Jake's house for a bit. Around 11 we decided it was probably time to go home, even though I had no curfew. Stopped at Sarah's house to go get some clothes, and then headed home for the night.

Cath by Death Cab for Cutie

Ca plane pour moi

Where to start, where to start.

Sarah turned 17 Friday, went out on a double date with our boyfriends to Olive Garden.

My sister Tryn turning 4 the following day, helped my dad keep the party in tact at my grandma's house, who is in the hospital again.

Senior year is, to my surprise, wonderful.

I'm happy with all of my classes, minus one, but that has been fixed.

I have tons of classes with my three good friends, and I'm trying my hardest to make new ones as well.

Debated, but came to the final decision that I am dropping Spanish 3, it's just not gonna happen. I already have my 2 language credits, why fret over failing when I could just, not take it.

Dropped Spanish 3, was offered to join Yearbook by Miss Mitchell, which coincidentally, was the same block for Spanish, so I don't have to change anything. I figure it's meant to be, so why not.

My schedule is as follows,

1A- Photography

2B- Gym II

3A- Yearbook

4B- CP Integrated Math V

5A- AP Psychology

6B- Honors English

7A- CP Physics

8B- Theatre V

This is going to be a good year.

Still incredibly anxious to finish and go off to college, but this year won't be so bad either.

It's about time too, I mean, at least one of the four years had to be alright, right?

But don't be fooled, this doesn't mean I'm not still counting down the days until being legal and graduation, 273 and 274 by the way.

Needed a 35 mm camera for my Photo class, found a man selling one for $75 on Craigslist that lived 10 minutes away. Took Edrea and Jake's cousin, Josh, with me to go pick it up. Went to the wrong #27 on the wrong road, the house with the steep drive way and buried in the woods, go figure. Turned my car around so we could make a quick escape, knocked on the door anxiously. "Hi I'm Ashley.." "Uhh.." "This is the wrong house, isn't it?" "Uh I think so. But I love young kids..." Hah. Bailed, real fast. Found the correct house down the road, a house with no trees around it and looked safe. Knocked on the door, an elder man greeted us and welcomed us inside. Felt like I nearly stole from the old man, purchasing a $300 some dollar camera for  his offered price of $75, probably could have negotiated down some even. Threw in some extra film as well, nice ol' guy.

Went back to Jake's work to go swimming until close, took picture for over an hour, lots of fun blah blah. Back to Jake's house afterwards where Mr. Willetts hooked me up with a new camera case, and let me borrow a bunch of lenses for the class, he's the best. Played video games downstairs with everyone until it was time to drop Edrea off at home. Nearly died with Jake's trying-to-make-curfew-driving, but hey, Edrea made it 1 minute before 10. Went to wawa with the boys, came home. Good day good daaaaaay.

Looking at a house tomorrow that we're possibly moving into. Not too interested in it, but then again, I haven't seen it. It really has no major effect on me because if I don't want to live there, I won't. And when we do move, I'll only be there for a few more months.

Happy Labor Day to those who work, like me. Scheduled 6 days in a row my first week of school. Are you kiiiidddddiiiinnngggg meeee?!?! I can't wait to get a new job. Starbucks job convention on the 8th.

Ca plane pour moi by Plastic Bertrand overandoverandoverandoveeerrrrr.

Sr.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end.

Finally.

Everyone is in their dorms and starting classes.

I feel like I'm missing out. I should have graduated early.

On a brighter note, I just found out I got the only 2 classes I cared about.

The rest of my schedule can just be whatever, I got Photo and Ap Psych.

The rest remains a mystery, until 7 hours from now that is.

Present Of The Future End by The Most Serene Republic

One of the best songs I've ever heard, but with the strangest lyrics.

"Wow, you're ridiculously good looking. Maybe you could do that for a career."

Just let go, just be.

It's amazing how when you save your money, you can watch how quickly it grows.
Especially, when your working 5 days a week, 3 of which, are in a row.
Leaving work with over $50 in my pocket each night for a few days has clearly added up.
You do the math. But not so fast Ashley, you still have to continue adding on to your debt payment.
Which by the way, is now down to $700.
Possibly purchasing a pair of running shoes on Sunday.
Hopefully that can be a source of motivation.

Rushed from work last night to Jake's house where I quickly changed and Jake, his Dad, and I all headed to the mall to get Jake's new laptop.
Jake ended up getting a Macbook Pro for college, lucky boy.
Played around on the computers while they got everything together for him.
Ran into an old family friend who has known me since I was born, who now works there.
I call her, "Gail-Friend" one word.
Ended up staying after hours at the mall, inside the Apple store, just talking to the people that worked there. Discussing technology and photography. I really enjoyed it.
Unable to exit through the main doors of the mall due to it being closed, we realized eating in the food court was not a possibility.

Went down the road to Red Robin where we entered the last 15 minutes, you know they loved us. Ate a yummy late night dinner and then headed home.
Stayed up on the phone late into the night and early into the morning talking and listening to jake discover new features on his laptop.

I've realized that holding on to things won't do you any good.
All it does is keep the hurt there still hurting.
Sometimes you just need to let everything go.
What good does holding on to a grudge do anyway?
Hearts are not for hating.
I forgive you.

Down at 4, and up at 9, still functioning, still moving.
I suppose it's time to get my brother and sister ready and drop them off at my grandmothers.
I then will head off to work where I will add another $50 + to my pocket.
Done around 7, I'll hopefully spend some time with Jake before heading home where Jocelyn may come over tonight.

Clean Getaway by Maria Taylor



I found a really neat site with questions, I'll start posting them for responses from you.

The major newspaper headlines for tomorrow will be about you.
What would you want them to say?

Up, up, up

I am in such a good mood right now.
As of this very moment, I feel just genuinely happy.

Jake and I had our 2 years this past Saturday, which could not have been more perfect.
We got up early at 6 am, and an hour later we were in the car on our way to the beach.

We got there at about 9 and unloaded for the beach. We played in the ocean for a bit and then laid out and I fell asleep. Half an hour later I awoke to the feeling of someone watching me, isn't it strange how the human mind works? I looked up, and there was Jake, sun beating down on him, smiling at me. He had a surprise for me, which to my enjoyment, was a can of Arizona green tea, love that stuff.

We then packed up and went to get lunch. We made the mistake of eating at a wannabe Hibachi Japanese restaurant, where we were given mystery soup and salad with mystery, and disgusting, dressing on it. Picking at it for fifteen minutes, pretending we liked it, while we awaited our food, that was an adventure.

Afterwards, we walked around for a bit before leaving to go a few minutes down the road to the movie theatre where we saw The Stepbrothers, which I thought was hilarious. When purchasing the tickets for the rated R movie, I was carded. Finally being able to flash my license that says Hey, I'm seventeen, that's fun. After the movie, we went back to the beach and splashed around before walking up and down the boardwalk, where we took another photo booth picture that I'll hopefully upload tomorrow, and then getting dinner. After dinner we got in the car for the ride home, and called it a day.

Sunday my mom took me out to get things for school. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I absolutely love back to school shopping. I love getting new notebooks, pencils, pens, highlighters. Very strange, I know. We then went to the mall and I got a few shirts, a skirt, a school bag, and these really cute pair of brown shoes, that I plan on getting in pink as well later on.


This week my brothers baby sitter is closed, resulting in me babysitting all week until:
a) I have to go to work, or
b) My mother comes home at 5 pm.

Today I had off, so when my mom got home I left to go out for the night.
I went to the mall to have them take the sensor off my school bag that they forgot to remove.

Afterwards, I went down the road to Jake's pool to possibly swim, but mostly hang out. He left work a half hour early and I followed him home where Jake, his Dad, and I all hung out. We all went up in the tree house, which I must say, is coming along quite nicely. It looks really great so far, and I'm really excited for the outcome. I cannot wait until fall, bonfires at Jake's house and hanging out in his tree house like I'm ten again, but seriously, it's so neat. We were all joking about instillation being put in, which they were actually considering, and cable, ahahhahahha. Then we all went and jumped on the trampoline together before I had to go. It was a lot of fun actually, I really love his Dad.

Thought I was going to the Jonas Brothers concert today for about 2 hours, only before realizing that the so-called "twenty-five dollar tickets" were just to get INTO the Allentown Fair. Tickets for the show, was a whole different story. And the good seats ranged from $300 to 1,800. Ahahahahhaa, you must be JOKING. Maybe someday I'll see them live. Sadly enough, I'd probably fork over that much money to see them, if I had it, that is. I told Jake I wanted a Jonas Brothers shirt for Christmas. :)

I called Starbucks again today because when I met the manager she failed to call me this past weekend like she said she would. Hopefully after leaving a message and my name again, she'll remember and call me back. Last week I went there with Sarah to get a drink and had a nice conversation with the 2 ladies at the counter, only to find that when I asked to speak with the manager, one of them WAS the manager. She asked for my name and told me she'd call me later on in the week. So fortunately for me, I was able to make a really good first impression upon her, showing her my outgoing side, unintentionally, how awesome. She told me she had been really busy, so I'm sure that's why she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I have faith that I will get this job. I just need to be patient -yet persistent. :)


Have you ever looked at a certain word for too long that suddenly it doesn't look like a word anymore?

Dear Braden by Dany Fujikawa
That song is on the ad for Mary kate and Ashley's line, The Row. I love it.
Although the lyrics aren't very understandable, I guess that's part of what makes it beautiful.

Count me in.

I can't even begin to express how incredible this past week has been.
I guess I've been putting it off because so much has happened it's a bit overwhelming.

Last Sunday I went to church and met up with 26 other high school kids from my youth group.
After church, we were sent on our way in vans headed towards the Eastern Shore, Virginia, in a small town called Onancock. I can't even begin to go into detail to share with you all. Fortunately, I know I'll never forget it.

This morning I went to church and afterwards went out to lunch with 4 boys from church and Edrea. We all went to Pat's Pizza and must have been there for over 2 hours. We all just sat and talked about books, movies, music. I had such a nice time. When we finally left, I dropped Edrea off at her house and she showed me her room, which is really really neat by the way. She has the most precious cat, his name is Yahtzee. We began thinking of some other cool names for her future cats and Monopoly, Parcheesee, and Clue were all mentioned.

Afterwards, I left and went to Jake's work around 2, because he couldn't get off today. I stayed all the way until it was time for him to close and then I had to go home. I love that boy so much. Nothing too special happened today but it was just so nice spending time with him talking and enjoying eachothers company. Our 2 years is Saturday. :)

God has truly placed some things and people on my heart this past week. I'm so greatful for this experience and all the incredible people I have met and come close with. I can honestly say I've never felt as much love in my whole life, as I have this past week. I feel so blessed. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I'm tired of sitting out and being quiet and awkward. I'm ready to be exciting, friendly, and fun to be around again. I'm letting go of everything I've been desperately trying to hold on to.

I'm stepping out of my shell.

Count me in.

Here are some pictures that can't fully sum up my amazing weeek, but hopefully will help,

Our youth group, True Impact.

Our first time showering the water ran out on us. I had some shampoo in the back of my hair, which wasn't even completely wet, and Jocelyn was dripping with suds.

Me, my new friend Whitney, Jocelyn

We were inseperable.

Whitney, Jocelyn and I.

They split everyone up from different churches into groups, ours was called The Shopping Carts, our group stopped at a really cool new ice cream parlor and our van broke down. How much fun can you have at an ice cream parlor with your 2 best friends there and a camera?
A LOT.

Stay tuned for more pictures and a video of our adventure while being stranded.

Me, Mr. Willetts, Daniel

Boyfraaaaaan.

On the way home, our youth group stopped at the beach for a few hours :)

Text message while Jake was following me when we were driving home.

Jake: Are you on the phone or singing?

Me: Singing to uffie!

Ahahahhahahahhaha.

Uh, I guess you had to be there.

This is one of my sloppiest entries yet, but the happiest.

thunderstorms.

The past few days have brought rainy weather, not that I mind.
Last night it thunder stormed well into 2am.
I was online late into the night and around 2 I went and laid in my bed.
It was unusual because my sister is always watching tv, and to my annoyance, leaves it on all night. This time though, it was off, and the curtains and blinds were wide open. When I asked why, she said she was watching the room light up and listening to the rain.
On second thought, that seemed quite relaxing.
So at 2 am, wide awake but sleepy eyed, I laid on top of my bed and watched the room light up every ten seconds, listening to the rain fall.
I eventually talked to Jake on the phone and talked well into almost 3 am.

Today my sister and I woke up and got ready to go pick up my grandmother.
Because of her surgery she is unable to drive for right now so we picked her up to take her to her doctors appointment up in Concord.
Unfortunately for us, her so called "half hour" appointment ended up being almost 2 hours.
By the time we left it was down pouring so badly it was hard to drive.

Afterwards, we went to Taco Bell for a quick lunch where we mistakenly ate inside.
While inside it began to storm even more so badly that the power went out.
So there we are, sitting in a dark Taco Bell, with little light shining through the windows from outside.
If that wasn't weird enough a group of woman with a serious attitude problem, and a police officer who was not in uniform and off-duty proceeded to get in each others faces. They were asked to leave by the manager and caused an even bigger scene after they refused to leave.
The man called his friend who was on duty and a police officer came minutes later.
I hate any sort of confrontation and sitting in a dark Taco Bell, with weirdos at one table and these people in their face at another was enough for me.

After things calmed down we left, and proceeded to Concord mall, where we went on a mini-shopping spree. There, my grandmother bought me 2 new outfits and a few pairs of really cute underwear, wooooo.
Fortunately, I was able to find a new pair of skinny jeans that I like that actually FIT.
I'm picking up my size, that of course they didn't have, at the local mall tomorrow where they are holding them for me.

I'm really excited for fall clothes shopping.
Skinny jeans, berets, boots.
I'm really not looking forward to it getting cold though.
Cool, but not cold, please.

Today was a weird but good day.

Bangs like Nicole's soon? Possibility.

Sneakernight by Vanessa Hudgens, because it's stuck in my head. Speaking of her, is it completely lame that I'm excited for HSM3?

#7

Yesterday my Mom, Anna and I all went to the beach for the day.
Upon our arrival at the beach I began feeling tired and dehydrated.
I decided to avoid the sun and hid under the umberella relaxing for most of the time.
In retrospect, that couldn't have been a better idea for my sister and mother are sunburned.
I, however, am modeling a lovely tan with no burn.

This past week I finally got around to cleaning our room.
Our as in Anna and I's room.
Unfortunately the bunk bed set up we have in our room took up the entire bedroom.
My step dad Bruce helped take it apart, and we now have two seperate beds on opposite sides of the room. S p a c e. Thank god I can breathe again.

I've been doing a lot of organizing the past few days and throwing things out that I no longer need, no more clutter. Although the brief makeover has satisfied me for now, I must say I'm no longer into these lime green and hot pink walls that once suited me. I'm not just not feelin' it anymore. It's so loud and I'm ready to settle down with a nice neutral color. Ahaha, and here I thought I'd have these colored walls for the rest of my life.
I'm definietly ready for something more mature.
This includes the 5 year old ripped Hawaiian comforter on my bed. Possibly getting a new comforter very soon.

As much as I love summer, I'm so excited for fall.
I'm ready to get this school year started and finished, I'm ready to graduate.
Starting school means one step closer to graduating, which means one step closer to being on my own. I can't wait to go to college and provide for myself and work on my career and live in an apartment or dorm that I share with someone my age, and not a younger sister who is not even twelve yet. I'm just so ready to be on my own. I'm excited for my life.

And while my mind is on the future and being on my own.
I'm proud to say Jake has helped me set up a plan for saving and I've already started it.
I'm working hard, when I'm working anyways.
Unfortunately there are one too many, er, five too many, servers resulting in everyone begging to take each others shifts.
Not to mention, I hate working there and the thought of actually wanting to pick up more shifts because I'm not making enough money makes me sick.
I applied to Starbucks and I'm really hoping they'll hire me.
Please hire me, please please please.

7 things by Miley Cyrus


I miss Sarah.

Priorities.

My disappearance was not due to nothing going on, because trust me, things have definitely been going on. In fact, possibly too much to even begin writing about now that I've waited too long.

Jake and I went to Virginia last week together with his family. There, we stayed in the time share that coincidentally, I had stayed at years ago. We went miniature golfing almost every night and in the evenings, due to crowds and heat, we would go to Busch Gardens. Our first night there we found a frog and named him Henry. There was a total of fifteen of us. Jake and his immediate family, in one unit. Jake's aunt and uncle, and their five kids, in one unit. And Jake's grandparents and I in another. Surprisingly, I got my own room.

Fortunately, I was able to break the habit immediately of sleeping in until noon. Awaking every morning at 9, in a bed with white sheets and a white down comforter, surrounded by pale yellow walls. Not to mention, my own bathroom! Every morning I would wake up and fold back the sheets neatly, draw back the curtains, filling the room with sunshine, and then take a shower. Hellllloooooooo, home. Needless to say, I got pretty used to having my own room and bathroom. Coming home was difficult, a small, messy bedroom with half the space taken up with bunk beds, and a sister to share it all with. Crowded, very crowded. I felt overwhelmed and started cleaning and desperately trying to organize everything. I finally realized that my room was in no way going to look like the room I had stayed in, and gave up.

I simply have too much stuff, and not enough space. And if I were to get rid of most of the stuff, I still wouldn't have enough space. I guess I loved it there because it just felt right. Waking up to a clean room with no junk anywhere, because of course I've only brought with me what I truly need to survive for a week. Then getting dressed and ready, walk down the hall, where I'd then be greeted by the person who means the most to me.

I suppose that's why they call it a vacation.

I'm no longer closing at work, which is wonderful. Thank you seniority, which is continuing to rise. Although, I'm making less then I was before due to coming and leaving earlier. I'm still looking for a new job, which I desperately need.

Sarah slept over last night. I drove to her work and we both went home and changed. We met up at Main St. and got ice cream at Coldstone. We just walked up and down and talked about life and such. Afterwards, we went back to my house and watched a movie and talked some more.

I can definitely tell I've gotten older. I remember when I despised Delaware and stubbornly said I'd rather not go to college at all then attend University of Delaware. As time went on though, and especially last night, I'm beginning to realize that maybe UD wouldn't be so bad. It's actually a really nice area. College still has me puzzled with where I'd like to go or what I'd even like to do. All I know is I belong in the art department, but where? I've only got a few months left to start deciding. I don't want to go into college undecided, I am decided, er, I just can't make up my mind.

I need to sort out my priorities.
I'm lazy, and I suck at saving money.

I'm $900 in debt.
I need to get this paid off by the end of July.

My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.

It's not unusual lately to find me awake at ridiculous hours into the night. I must have layed in bed for about an hour until I could no longer fight off my thoughts, which were growing increasingly louder as time went on. I suppose that sometimes you just need to write, and when you need to write, you need to write. I'm unorganized right now, I can't think. I guess what I needed is to just sort out all my thoughts until I can begin to rest.

As the first week of summer began I found myself awakening at 1, 2 o'clock in the afternoon. This is completely uncalled for and such a wasted of what had potential to be a good day. I quickly jumped into breaking that habit and no longer allow myself to sleep in past 11:30, which if you ask me I still think is too late to be sleeping still. The day is nearly half over.

Today I awoke at 11:30, got up and put on my bathing suit. Which by the way, I have practically been living in the past week. Helllloooo suntan. I was at my moms work laying out by the pool not long later. Of course only to find that it was too hot and I wasn't feeling laying under the sun today. My mothers boss recently bought her a scanner for her office that I had set up for her, more than willingly and more than eager to use it, the day before. Brought all of my polaroids that have been needing to be scanned from the past 6 months to presently and scanned them all.

Forgot to mention that I stopped by Jake's house on the way and he gave me the latest mix cd he's made me. Which by the way, I am completely in love with. I think of all the cd's he has made me over the past 2 years, practically, this one is my favorite. I really enjoyed listening to it all throughout the day while driving around. I'm excited to listen to it fully for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th time, and so on. You know how you know one of your favorite cd's so well that at the end of one song you know the beginning beat to the next that's coming up? I love that.

Went to the deli down the road and bought tea and sandwiches for us all to share. Sat under the umbrella-ella-ella-justkidding. outside by the pool with my mom and Anna for lunch. Went to the grocery store for the sweet old lady that lives in the apartment complex my mom works at. Afterwards stopped by Jake's pool down the road and swam there for a half hour until it was time to take off for work.

Jake gave me a book today that he's been wanting me to read.
I'll admit, I wasn't really looking forward to it but was going to anyway because he asked me to. Although I'm actually really excited now to start reading it. I just hope it's not too complex for me. Jake's right, I really do need to get into reading good books. I read a lot of books that are just plain stupid, but they entertain me and I enjoy them. I haven't read anything amazing for awhile. Although I doubt anything could ever top The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chobsky.
The book I'm borrowing from him is called Black by Ted DekKer

Dropped Anna off back at home and got ready for work. Went to work tonight unfortunately until close, 11 o'clock. Fell really behind with closing and didn't get to leave on time. I have no idea what the heck I was doing and why I was so behind. Maybe I was busy? That's what my tip outings are saying tonight anyway. Drove out of the parking lot with $55 in my pocket. Not bad, not bad at all. Considering I usually make around $30 some.

Unfortunately I have failed yet again to successfully put and keep money aside for my grandmother that I owe her. I REALLY need to stop this. That's it. My $30 paycheck, and $25 of my tip earnings from tonight are going in an envelope and I'm giving them to her on Sunday when I see her on Father's Day.

For some strange reason I really have the urge to buy Wii Fit.
What the heck. I don't even play Wii. My sister Anna has one but we never use it. Hm. I think I've heard it has Yoga and all these other excercises you can use. I want it. I can't save money very well, I'll probably buy it in the next few weeks. Of course I'm sure Anna will blackmail me saying I can't use her Wii.

Exactly one year ago I was at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas.
Freaking ridiculous. Take me baaaaaccccccck..... NOW.

I feel like if someone were to give me a pack of post-it's, I would have little sticky notes everywhere right now. I could write for hours and hours and hours and hours. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to and tell all this to.

I'm shaking a little bit. I think I'm kinda cold.
I started this post almost an hours ago at 2, it's now almost 3.
Maybe I should go lay down in bed and try to fall asleep, try.
Jake's graduation party is tomorrow. I hope I'm not tired.

I just remembered that I put this powdered energy drink mix into my water tonight at work that my friend gave me. Apparently it really does work. Hah, well, apparently.

Dice by Finley Quaye
The World At Large by Modest Mouse

Yellow bird bathing suit :)


Ps, Jake and I went on a date on Thursday night.
Arrived home at 1am. It was great fun.

Seventeen, clouds, -1

Today I didn't have any finals I needed to take so I got to stay home.
Tomorrow is my last day of school. I'll go, take my 2 finals, and then go home at 10:30.

My birthday was good. I spent the day with Jake. :)

We went to 5 different stores looking for Polaroid film and couldn't find it anywhere.

Stepped foot in a Happy Harrys, they didn't have any. I was upset and Jake grabbed my shoulder. As I turned around quickly to look at him, I looked past him at the ground. There, behind the registers was a stack of Polaroid film. I love you Jake Will, you found them for me and you didn't even know it.

Bought 3 boxes.

I'm afraid the next time I go to buy them it'll have to be on ebay or something.

I ordered a bathing suit late that night and payed for quick shipping, I got it yesterday.

I've never even set foot in a Hollister before and refuse to. Mostly due to the fact that everyone in this state wears it. Gave in and went on their website because I needed a bathing suit. Found a bunch and saw one that was yellow with their hollister bird symbol on it. I don't even care. Yellow bird. I love it. I ordered it. I got it. Of all the choices, just watch, the one I ordered is going to be the one everyone else got. It better not be.

Finally, a bathing suit that makes me look tan and not washed out and pale.

Just went on their website to get the picture and found it on clearance now.
Go freaking figure. Screw you, Hollister.
Whatever.

Maybe if the sun comes out in the next hour and a half then I'll go swimming.

I'm taking Jake to work at 2 and staying with him until I have to go to work. Hopefully the sun will shine a little bit, or it'll start pouring and he gets off work. (He's a life guard)
It's supposed to storm this afternoon.

I got my car back yesterday finally, I had been driving my grandmothers car all week.

To be honest, I miss driving hers. Mine is a piece of crap.
Although, I got a gps for my birthday along with a radio so I can listen to my ipod and cds now. I'm having so much fun with the gps, I use it to get everywhere, even when I don't need it. Haha.

I close tonight at work from 5-10.
Going to Border's and then the mall at some point.
I was going to go today but I may just wait until tomorrow.
I love having money again. $$$

I feel it all by Feist
Sunshowers by M.I.A.

Sarah and Bennett, Ashley and Jake :)

Sarah, Jake, Me...midsentence, Christine.

(I just noticed I'm wearing a different shirt ahahha)

Jake, Me, Christine, Jessica, Sarah

All you need is love

I can't decide if I'm exhausted or full of energy right now.
Oddly enough, I think both.
That McDonalds sweet tea, no joke.
They are not playing around. I get goosebumps everytime I take a sip.
It's ridiculously sweet and with every sip I feel like my bodys going into shock.
Ahahahahhaa.

Yesterday afternoon my mom and bruce went away for their 1 year anniversary.
They were staying at this little bed and breakfast place somewhere in Pennsylvania.
Meanwhile, my brother was at my grandmom's and Anna and I were home alone for the past 24 hours.
Last night we went to the mall together and each bought something.
Then Jocelyn came over and we all hung out together until I passed out at one point on the sofa.

This morning we all went to church together and Anna and I had to leave 15 minutes early.
We went to get a quick lunch before I dropped her off at our grandmom's before driving to our other grandmom's. When I got ot my other grandma's we immedietly left for Exton to go meet my dad. Today she had to do some real estate up there and can't see very well because of her health currently so I had to drive us up there and back. The catch was though while she was showing houses I got to go shopping with my dad for my birthday.

I got some really cute new clothes and I had fun spending time with my dad and Tryn. Afterwards we met up with my grandmom again to get something to eat before she went to go do more showings and I went back to my dads house for a little while. When she was done I drove my grandma and I back home.

Her health has been strongly declining these past few years and she's having a surgery on Tuesday. The doctors are saying that she should make a good recovery. However, with her being a diabetic and her poor health and surgery complications before I don't think it's going to be that easy. On the way home she started talking about it and her voice broke off mid sentence while saying "If anything were to happen to me I want you to know.." What do you do when it's dark and your driving on a 60 mph interstate and on back roads and your grandmom is crying in the passenger seat because she's afraid she's going to die? What do you say? I held her hand and tried to assure her that everything was going to be okay and she'd be fine. She cried telling me that she wants to see me graduate high school and college and that all my siblings and cousins are so much younger than I am that I've been the only one that she's gotten to see all these things with and watch grow up and have fun with. I didn't really know what to say. I couldn't tell her that I didn't think she'd make it to my college graduation.

As I comforted her of how she was going to be okay I realized that the more and more I assured her, the less and less assured I was feeling. Her surgery is Tuesday, if everything goes well she should be out by Friday but be recovering over the next few weeks. If everything goes bad, but she survives, it could be a few months. A big part of me has been pushing this surgery into the back of my mind like it's not serious or a big deal, but it is, I'm just scared. If she died, especially the week before my birthday, I would never forgive myself. That would officially confirm my hate for birthdays. I'm scared.

Now that I'm reading over this, this post seems like such a drag. I'm actually in a really good mood and today was a good day. I just had a rough moment that made me think a lot as I was writing.

Ps, Jake please come home, I miss you.
Pss, Don't forget to write 'love' on your arms this week.

All You Need is Love -Across the Universe Soundtrack

Twloha
mailto:http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18202636575

Okay, I've decided. I feel tired.

Weird mood

It's past 11 o'clock right now and I'm craving an energy drink.

What the heck.

I don't even like energy drinks, let alone carbonation that much.

What is going onnnnn.

Today was a good day.
I've been driving my grandma's nice Pontiac to school all week while my car is getting fixed.

I skipped my last block again. Although I'm only a teachers aide for it and he doesn't care, I really don't think I should make a habit out of this because I don't want to take advantage of him. It's getting harder and harder though not to. I mean, who wouldn't want to leave school every other day at 12:30 pm? I know, I know. Thankyoouuu.

I left last block and went to Jake's house because my babys done high schooool forever :)

He wasn't there though and had left his cellphone at home so I went to the mall.

Got an application from a not so friendly woman at Gadzooks, just may have changed my mind about working there. Puh. Went home for about twenty minutes and then left for Sarah's because she asked me to give her a ride to work.

I got to Sarah's fifteen minutes early because I couldn't bear being in my empty quiet apartment any longer. We went to Pinstruck so I could get another pressure ball because I'm pretty sure I swallowed mine last week when I was playing with my lipring, that's what I get. Haha. There's been just a break in it where the ball is supposed to be ever since. The guy was cool and put in a whole new lipring for me instead, for free. Hey, thanks, man. :) Then while waiting at the light 4 lanes over I decided I wanted to go to 7-11 and I managed to get all the way across. Sarah and I went in and got slurpees. Then I took her to her work and we sat and talked in the car until it was time for her to go in.

Went home, only to be there for about 2 more hours until my mom sent Anna and I on an errand. To which I was more than willing to do considering I've been dying to get out of the house every chance I've gotten today. We went to the AC Moore craft store to get printer paper that had a sea shell or beach design on it. Wasn't completely successful but we found some that may work. We also got a few things for Anna and I, and Taco Bell on the way home. Thankyou mom!

Home bound again, and for the rest of the night. Started my theatre project that's 3 days late. Figure I can talk my way into a B, no stress no worries. Started to research on Wicked only to be bored with that popular topic and then something new came to mind. Legally Blonde: The Musical, ahahhahaha. I actually had fun putting the poster together, for once it doesn't look like crap.

Dad called me, asked what I wanted for my birthday again. I don't even know what the heck I'm doing this weekend now that Jake's randomly going to a wedding in Tennesse? Let alone what I want for my birthday. Which by the way is 8 days away in less than an hour. Finally thought of something to tell him, Warped Tour Tickets, like I got last year.

Looking at the band lists I took notice that The Rocket Summer is NOT on there due to their Europe Tour. Not a happy camper, especially considering he wasn't there last year either due to the radio contest he won last minute. Oh, and Jack's Mannequin, they stop touring with Warped 5 days before the show I'm going to. Hahahah story of my life. I know I'll still have fun though.

God bless you if you read all that.

It feels good to write again.

I Wish by The Secret Handshake

"What the problem issssss."